measure by the meter
Madeline Muller
baking with my grandma was always odd
and not just because she lived far away
she would instruct me that i should measure things
not by cups and tablespoons
like the cookbooks and recipes stated
in standard clean font
but that i should do it by the gram
she would say to me
in her thickened accent, tinged with fatigue
that it doesn’t change the cake you make
but it changes the way you make it
and that makes the whole dessert sweeter
i came home today and sat in the stands of my cousin’s game
and saw all the people who i’d grown up near
they were the people who told me
how well i was doing
how proud they were of me
how successful i’d be if i kept going the way i had been
and i knew
if i told them i had decided to do things a bit differently
they would try to convince me to turn it all around
it is odd to grow up
measuring happiness with the community yard stick
only to find out you need to use the meter
i thought i didn’t have the capacity to be happy and successful
that i had to choose one or the other
it turns out i was trapped by imperial measurements
strangling the way i meted out my choices
i have been drinking cups of milk all my life
not knowing it poisoned me
when i came home, my neighbor offered me a glass
and when i turned them down
they looked at me like an oddity
but i know myself now
and i know what i measure myself by
it would be hard to translate
to explain to the people i grew up with
that i am happy, that i am my version of success
i promise, i swear, i know
but if they did ask, if they said to me
why do you do things this way
don’t you know it won’t work out
we have all measured by the yard
and weighed ourselves by the pound
and look how happy we are
so if they did ask, i would turn and say
well, i measure by the meter
and weigh by the gram
and look at me, look at me
look at how much happier i am
i was strangled before and now i can speak
for them, success and happiness might be measured
in buying a jacket whose price is just high enough to warrant discussion
mine is measured in knitting a deeply warm sweater
out of yarn my partner gifted me
i changed the terms of what made my success
and i wonder, if everyone who measures by the yard
and weighs by the pound
all those young people who stayed
in our community and say they are happy
perhaps
just perhaps
might like the meter stick a bit more